cheat (verb):
1. To deceive by trickery; swindle
2. To deprive by trickery; defraud
3. To mislead; fool
4. To elude; escape
Once I decided to move out, that it was the only way for me to get “unstuck” – I realized why it was necessary. For all the reasons I didn’t want to: the comfort, the security, the total lack of responsibility. These are not reasons to stay in a relationship.
The truth is Dexter took care of me in every possible way. And I liked this. At least, I thought I did.
Dexter was a provider, and I had been provided for my entire life. The house and everything it included was taken care of. I didn’t do the laundry. Dexter did the laundry. I didn’t clean. We had a service. I didn’t pay a single bill – not my gym membership, my cell phone, my car insurance. When we traveled, I didn’t even hold my driver’s license. I didn’t do my taxes. Dexter managed my finances. It was a natural progression. Piece by piece, my life was outsourced to Dexter.
I think part of my problem was I was raised to believe I needed to be taken care of. But I can’t blame my parents for my lack of responsibility. I cheated. I saw someone willing to take care of me, to provide for me, and I let him. Cheating comes in all shapes and sizes. In this case, I didn’t want to take responsibility for my life. Even though I was capable of doing so. It’s kind of nice being a kid that way – letting someone else do the work and be responsible.
The irony of it all was the very reason I fell in love with Dexter, why I respected him so much, was he got to where he was in life on his own merit. He earned it. Nothing was given to him, and I think for this reason, he had a great appreciation for everything he had. Except for maybe me.
January 3, 2008 at 3:29 pm
1) No relationship is truly over unless both parties decide it is.
2) In a relationship, someone has to be the giver, someone has to be the receiver. It does not mean anything bad unless the receiver never, ever gives.
3) True love is when both people feel compelled to give. Money is only one aspect of giving.
4) We don’t really appreciates what we’ve got till it’s gone.
5) There is no happily ever after, because nothing ever ends.
January 3, 2008 at 3:46 pm
All good things come to an end.
Unless your Q, of course.
I wonder if humanity today would pass the test?
January 3, 2008 at 9:37 pm
The fairy tale does not end at “happily ever after,” because the prince and princess must live together. The fairy tales show the marriage, but not what comes after it. A whole generation of women who grew up on fairy tales know woefully little of what awaits them, after Prince Charming is no longer so full of charm.
There’s a great comic book wherein Prince Charming gets divorced three times (to marry Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, then he gets divorced again), while Beauty and the Beast stayed together… through all their fairy tale, immortal lives.
Living together is just marriage without the official papers. The comfort, the security, and the disappearing urge to sex the person whom you once wanted to ravage several times a day, naturally become the norm after a while. But sex is not love, nor is love merely sex.
Some, myself included once upon a time, call this being “out of love,” but it’s simply the next stage of love. Love your family and children, whom you will never stop loving, no matter how much they’ve wronged you. Love matured, grown up. Love without rose-colored goggles, without greediness. Love without end.
It’s a natural stage that fosters a stabler parental mental state in order to raise children. It needs both people to develop respect and understanding sans the passionate glow of new love. It requires unselfishness, letting of one’s ego, and making sacrifices. It may be boring, and new flirtations and dalliances are always more interesting, but they do not endure. Not like love.
You did not cheat. You only felt like you did. You had a family, a stable home life, and a place where you and he could have made a life together. A life where you were often the receiver, but it’s hard to imagine that you didn’t give at all. Some men don’t require a lot to be happy… just a woman they know they can depend on for love.
My husband does the laundry, the calling of people the cat litter cleaning, and yes, we also have maids. I cook for him, take care of the paperwork, rub his back, and I give him all the love and affection I remember to give. I wasn’t always content with what I had, and he took me for granted, too.
I had a fling of my own a year before I got married, and it was what had forced us both to change. I wish you best of luck in your journey and story. I know it doesn’t end here.
January 4, 2008 at 3:13 am
i agree. men don’t need a lot to be happy. it’s not that i didn’t give in the relationship or provide anything. it’s that at the time, i was living a life i didn’t earn. even though i was capable of doing so.