player: person who is active and successful in the mating and dating game
There was a point in my life (early to mid-20s) when the term player applied to me (or at least others used it, once or twice, to describe me). I could hookup when I wanted and not get attached to that person (except for once, maybe twice) and continue to scan the horizon for a new playmate. Because I wasn’t using sex for validation and because I genuinely enjoy sex and because I typically dictated the terms of having sex, I suppose this made me a player (I say this because most guys will habitually slap on the ‘slut’ label to any woman who has sex upon first meeting). There are some women, unfortunately, that sleep around indiscriminately, but this wasn’t my case. The only time I was really swayed into having sex was by a British music producer who had pierced nipples and did coke (two personal turn-offs) but he was ridiculously hot AND had the british accent so it happened.
There are guys and some girls in their mid-twenties who wear their player status like a championship belt (I say mid-twenties because once they reach their late twenties, especially 30s, without any committed relationships in the mix, they get labeled commitment-phobes and this becomes a stigma). I guess I took a certain amount of pride in being a player (it’s a stroke to the ego to get things that you want) but to me it was just playing the field, figuring out what was out there and what I liked – experiencing men with disposable convenience.
Disposable convenience is like traveling for work (at least how I’ve always traveled for work) – you stay in a nice hotel, where your room is always cleaned and tended to and there’s a chocolate on your pillow at the end of the day, and you can order pay per view and room service and call whomever you want and the company pays for it. There’s not a lot of responsibility involved. I loved traveling for this reason and still do. But then you miss things. Things with your family. Things with your friends. And not having a “home” can leave you feeling ungrounded. The reality is, I didn’t really learn anything from my hookups, except for perhaps the value of being prepared. I equate the “conquests” of my playing days as sugar-free jello with whipped cream for dessert. Cheap and easy to make. No harm done by consuming it. Tastes pretty good going down. No real substance or nutritional value. Defintely not creme brulee.
There’s something to be said for laying down roots and creating something- it gives you a sense of purpose and meaning. To withstand the tests of a relationship is what builds character. To make love to someone, stone sober, in the light of day, and look them in the eyes while committing an act that you recognize could create another life, that’s intense. It may take finesse to gather disseminated articles of clothing and make an exit after a wild night of sex without your hookup getting out of bed, but it doesn’t take character. In fact, it’s a lot of tougher to look the person in the eye the next morning and ask, “You wanna get breakfast?”
So the player in me is latent. There are moments when it arises but then I think that life is too short to fuck around with things that don’t add value and for every action I take, there is a consequence. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate my past experiences – the residual value of being able to tell some of my player days’ stories is priceless and while every now and then, I might get the urge to play, I realize it’s just the player in me, and I’ll probably never lose the player in me, even if I’m out of the game.
September 5, 2007 at 2:26 pm
I absolutely relate to this and love the hotel/travelling for work analogy. The interesting thing, or frustrating thing rather, is that once you decide you don’t wnat to play games anymore…well, that doesn’t mean that your old ways simply cease to exist.
It’s the back and forth that always seems to make life fun though, isn’t it?
September 5, 2007 at 3:25 pm
“To make love to someone, stone sober, in the light of day, and look them in the eyes while committing an act in which you recognize could create another life, that’s intense”
My god, that sentence itself was intense and romantic.
Settling down seems so much more fulfulling than jumping from person to person and you’ve captured that perfectly.
September 5, 2007 at 4:13 pm
mm: Seconded wholeheartedly! There is something very powerful about doing that. For me, it’s the difference between making love and fucking.
September 6, 2007 at 1:14 am
inpy: the temptation is always there. i’m getting much better at walking away now though:)
mm: settling down has its challenges but i’m hoping once i do, it will be an effort and commitment that i enjoy making.
skip: yes, it is def more powerful. it doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate fucking. sometimes those days seem so much simpler. but my time is precious and too valuable to invest in a fuck buddy and one night stands almost inevitably never work out the way i intend them to…
September 6, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Oh, agreed completely. There’s a time for sweeping the dishes off the table and commencing to some full on jungle fucking.
The ideal situation for me is the person that you can do both with.
October 10, 2007 at 9:27 am
Only fugly girls can be players.
Unless, your reinterpret mating and dating game as getting alpha guys to date you for a long time without putting out.
Getting a guy to sleep with you doesn’t exactly require much skill.
October 11, 2007 at 4:06 am
getting a girl to sleep with you doesn’t either. you seem to have it figured out so i won’t elaborate. you’re right. i’m fugly.
October 11, 2007 at 5:38 am
The implication was that you’re not a player.
Getting a girl to sleep with you does take effort. You know as well as I do, if a girl wanted sex she can get it just by asking. If any average looking girl went up to a guy and said let’s go back to my place and have sex and flirted 99% of guys would say yes. The other .9% are gay and the remaining .1% are mythological unicorn-like creatures that you only hear about in legends.
If a guy tried the same thing maybe 10% of the girls would say yes, even if he was the hottest man to walk the planet. He’d have to go through all the steps and jump through the hoops and push all the right buttons.
October 14, 2007 at 2:43 pm
no. average looking girls can’t just “go out” and get sex like you postulate. maybe during the ‘bewitching hour’ after midnight before bars close but this is a common misconception. for the most part, guys ARE discriminating, even the average-looking guys. 99% guys would not say yes, b/c most guys have EGO. maybe the really hard-up guys will say yes. but then these guys won’t be attractive to the average-looking girls. to your third point, i don’t know what guys you socialize with but i see LOTS of guys with little “skill” (meaning they don’t have to do a lot of cajoling or coaxing) hook up b/c they have the looks and status to do so.
you intimate with your statement there is no such thing as a “female player.” the qualifications are diff for women vs men. society operates on a general assumption that all men want sex and all women want relationships. this is incorrect. men do like the comfort of relationships, specifically ones that include sex. it’s the “drill a number of shallow wells vs one deep one” theory.
a female player is not labeled by her ability to bed men. you are correct, this isn’t difficult. the status comes from her post bedroom activities. the fact is, if a woman is attractive and good in bed, men will come back for more. end of story. but the problem arises when a woman doesn’t want a relationship and wants to “play the field.” men in general have difficulty accepting a woman to whom they are attracted and want to sleep with seeing other men. too much ‘territorial pride’ at stake. this is what requires ‘game’ so to speak – managing these conditions after the initial encounter. and from my experience, if it’s the right girl, most guys DO want relationships.
October 15, 2007 at 10:34 pm
There’s no difficulty in the post bedroom activities you just listed. You play the field and ignore the guy, because there’s a ton more like him. If you even consider his feelings and they affect how you behave it means that you’re just manifesting a fear of commitment, versus actual playing.
Why does it matter to you after the initial encounter, if you’re playing the field and not looking for a relationship?
It sounds more like you describe having to deal with a bunch of betas who don’t know how to handle that situation. Any reasonable guy would simply ask do you want to be serious or not? If you answered you want to play the field, then the guy would do the same, resulting in an open relationship.
There’s no skilled manipulation and button pushing on the female side that needs to be done. You need to know how to flirt and that’s about it.
October 16, 2007 at 1:18 am
1) how many girls have you slept with at once?
2) a majority of players are driven by fear of commitment. conquests makes players feel powerful.
3) very few people can handle open relationships. someone always gets more invested.
There’s no skilled manipulation and button pushing on the female side that needs to be done.
duly noted. you’re what 3, 6 months into your “seduction” “pua” foray?
October 21, 2007 at 1:44 am
1) 1
2) I’d like to find a nice LTR, but I lost my naive hope.
3) I can handle whatever is explicitly agreed to. The worst part about socializing is that it’s like playing poker with someone you like, where you’d love to work together to beat everyone else, but you don’t want to show your cards, because you’re afraid that the other person might hurt you. It’s the goddamn prisoner’s dilemma. Computers get it right everytime, perhaps we should create silicon relationship overlords. Oh wait, we’d rebel just, because.
Everytime I look at my copy of the game, I think “Why, oh why didn’t I take the blue pill?”
December 6, 2007 at 4:00 am
Tracy Lord – nullpointer is exactly right. An average looking woman can get sex on demand from about 90 percent of guys, while an average looking man can get sex on demand from maybe 5 percent of women. There are no female “players”. What you describe is a slut, tramp, cum dumpster, whatever you want to call it. The girl who arrogantly hung out at my frat house at 3AM to fuck guy #5 in my house. The girl who thought she was in control and a “player”. The girl who we all laughed at and felt pity for, and who probably wound up with a bad STD. She wasn’t “fugly” either, but she was disgusting.
You seem to take pride in having scorn for the guys you got fucked by and throwing them away, so to speak. You may be very attractive for all I know, but your CHARACTER is terrible. You seem to want to behave like a man, instead of behaving ladylike. And you are probably getting to that age where you’re worried about the future. Hint: men want to marry a decent girl, not a devious, sneaky, vindictive bitch. You will realize this someday.
December 6, 2007 at 5:02 am
thank you jeff/pit pull. all other comments aside, do you believe individuals of “good character” judge and denounce the character others?
December 7, 2007 at 9:25 pm
do you believe individuals of “good character” judge and denounce the character others?
Being truly non-judgmental is a very rare trait. A lot of people claim to have it, but then the snarky commentary comes out as soon as the curtains are drawn. Anonymity is the perfect face to hide ugliness.
It takes a lot of guts to write the way you do without censoring yourself. The foolish are fearless, and you are certainly no fool. So your courage deserves commendation.
Keep writing. Men who respect women don’t read this. 🙂
December 8, 2007 at 12:54 am
Well, there was no disputing anything I said. Of course not. It’s all fact, and you know it. I, personally, see nothing wrong with judging the conduct of others. YOU take that risk when you put it out there. If nothing is judged, then society deteriorates completely. Some ways of acting are better than others, obviously. Should murderers not be judged? How about child molesters? And everyone has the right to judge what is around them as a human being. The question is – how can YOU expect not to be judged at all? That seems arrogant to me. You treated people badly, you were reckless with yourself. It seems that you see how you were wrong, and hopefully you can change your ways. It might be hard, but better than nothing.
Hope – I don’t respect people who don’t respect themselves and others. Some women are worthy of respect, and some aren’t. Just like some men are worthy, and some aren’t. For some reason, you think Tracy Lord deserves a prize for talking about how she was a slut in her 20’s, and that’s going a little far.
December 8, 2007 at 7:16 am
If nothing is judged, then society deteriorates completely.
The exact same morals don’t apply to everyone, in every society, in every time period. You believe that a woman who has sex with people without having a relationship with them is “treating them badly.” Others might believe otherwise.
There is a man who is like a lot of others. A man who respects women and “slutted” around in his early 20’s. But he won’t call those women sluts. He knows that he was damaged in some way like they were. His father wasn’t there. His mother was too lenient. He tried to find love with women who only wanted sex, but he found only fleeting companionship. He doesn’t write, but he does not pretend that he is morally superior to anyone else.
These stories are interesting on their own merit. Morality changes all the time, even within the same person. To observe these changes and to praise someone for putting herself out there as reading material (and interesting, well-written reading material at that) is hardly going “a little far.” I don’t see you writing your life story, only calling names and passing judgment, actions that are hardly worthy of commendation.
I don’t respect people who don’t respect themselves and others.
No one truly cares about the opinions of those who hold no power over them.
December 12, 2007 at 4:50 am
Hope, guys dont “slut” around. They get ass. lol
Tracy is a good writer, I give her that.
December 12, 2007 at 5:10 am
ok. i submit. most men lack the self-control and self-respect to abstain from sleeping with any woman who is willing to take him in and b/c of this this, it’s significantly easier for women to get laid. however, the more options a man has, the more selective he becomes, and vice versa.
December 15, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Men are far more willing to engage in casual sex with girls that are less attractive / lower social status than girls are.
You know that’s true in general. Maybe there’s some ultra picky guys.
December 15, 2007 at 3:23 pm
i know it’s true, in general. but not all men are like this. and i KNOW this is true. i have empirical data.
December 15, 2007 at 7:03 pm
People can have six figures and six toes. What’s the chance of actually meeting someone like that?
If you have six fingers and six toes… hawt!
December 17, 2007 at 5:16 am
I’m actually pretty picky. Many mediocre-looking girls that friends of mine would hook up with did not interest me at all. I never wanted to get laid at all costs.
December 17, 2007 at 3:56 pm
I had friend in college that was like that.
He just never got laid.
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