Dear [Tracy] – Just writing this because I feel like Thursday night/Friday morning made me realize how important our friendship is to me. I was really upset on Thursday, and the stupid boy never crossed my mind once. I was just really upset that I had thought we were such good friends and then you treated me the way you did on Thursday. The reason I was so crushed is because I had total faith in our friendship, and in you, and then I felt that it had been taken away. More than anything I felt really alone because you really are my best friend in DC. That is why, too, that Friday morning meant so much to me. When you came in and apologized first thing Friday morning, I couldn’t even be mad at you anymore. Believe me that is an accomplishment because I am really good at holding a grudge. I find though that I am a lot more forgiving to my true friends than I am others. Anyway, in a really sappy, long-winded way, I am just trying to tell you how much our friendship means to me, and how Friday morning I felt like you really had respect for me, like I do for you. Obviously friends fight so I am sure this won’t be our only one and hopefully they will not they will not always involve long letters. But I do hope that our friendship lasts a long time because it is definitely very valuable to me. Anyway I love you and hope all the best for you. See you in the house!

Love,
Heather

This is a letter I came across recently while sifting through my “memory box.” Several years ago, I was living in a house and one of my housemates was a girl named Heather. She had a crush on this guy she worked with (aka “the stupid boy”). I met the said stupid boy on a Wednesday night at Heather’s work happy hour. He was attractive.

Anyway, when I search back into the cavernous recesses of my mind, I am vaguely aware of that week. Something happened. Something involving a boy. Something involving my FB. My FWB. My best friend for 5 years. The boyfriend I would eventually break up with only to run into the arms of Dexter.

I was mad at him. It involved another girl.

Historically, upon suffering a blow to my precious ego, I’ve reacted by either going out, getting drunk and hooking up – or in extreme cases, destroying things like pictures or gifts. In the worst case, I got engaged. In this case, I went out the following night to the bar I knew the stupid boy would be at, got drunk, and made out with him. Unfortunately, while we were swapping spit, my housemate showed up and witnessed us mid-liplock.

Technically, he was fair game. Just because she had a crush on him didn’t mean he was hers. Men are more lenient in this regard. Women respond to this “friendship violation” much more vociferously.

My question is: out of all the guys I could have made out with, why did I specifically target the stupid boy? Because I’m a petty wench? My answer is: EGO. I hate feeling weak. I like to feel strong. Powerful. But hooking up with your friend’s crush is most definitely not exercising power.

I don’t regard myself as a malicious person. I don’t like to cause other people pain. With this incident, afterwards, I felt horrible. I hung my head down that following morning and walked into Heather’s room with my tail into between my legs and I apologized. Even when the stupid boy subsequently pursued me, sending me notes like the below, I explained why I couldn’t possibly.

Goddess-

Well, hey, happy Valentine’s Day. I mean its just so amazing to be so crazy about someone and to think of them all the time and write in my journal about you and make collages of pictures that I cut out of magazines of women I thought looked like you but that’s impossible because no one compares to you, NO ONE.
I mean, you are so beautiful to me. You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see? You’re everything I hoped for, you’re everything I need. You are so beautiful to me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you. Every single day, every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay, o can’t you see, you belong to me. How my poor heart breaks with every step you take, every move you make, every vow you break, every smile you fake, every claim you stake, I’ll be watching you. Since you’ve gone I’ve been lost without a trace,I dream at night I can only see your face. I look around but it’s you I can’t replace. I feel so cold and I long for your embrace.

I hope that puts into words how I feel about you or at least makes you laugh at what a complete ass I am

Hal’s best friend

P.S. I think we should look for Hal again some time. If he’s not there I guess that would be okay.

Did Heather ever find out that he pursued me? Of course not. Are we still friends today? Nope. Did Heather and the stupid boy ever get together? Yep, they got married. Does this make me virtuous? Not really.

I am a firestarter. When I get hurt, when I get angry, somebody else always seems to suffer. But ultimately I’m the one who suffers, because I don’t like to hurt other people.

Saying you’re sorry is the easy part. Changing the trait that caused the reaction in the first place is the tough part. Which is why I’ve made it my personal mission to kill my ego.

To conquer selfish desires is true power.

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