God


During my one month relationship sabbatical, I batted around several questions: did Dexter love me? did I want to be married? was I afraid of commitment?

For the longest time, I believed I had a fear of commitment. But the thing is, when I know what I want, I commit to it. Wholeheartedly. With marriage, I’ve seen too much of what I don’t want. Too many people who settle into a routine, who focus on “stuff” and the accumulation of “stuff,” who stop making the effort, stop appreciating, stop taking risks, stop listening, stop making the other person a priority and by that I mean, become selfish and stop evolving as human beings. And this was what I realized – I don’t necessarily want the big house, with the big lifestyle, and the 2.2 kids in a nice suburban neighborhood with the same conversations with the same groups of people every third weekend of the month. I have no desire to commit to THAT. But me not embracing what I knew at the time to be of conventional relationships and marriages is not a fear of commitment. And it doesn’t mean I don’t want a relationship or marriage or a family.

The way I answered my question to marriage was by writing down what marriage meant to me and what I wanted in one – and when I looked at the list, I realized many items were absent from my relationship with Dexter and we were both to blame. The problem was, in order to have the marriage I wanted, I needed to change and Dexter needed to change and I couldn’t enter into a marriage expecting both of us to change.

Did Dexter love me? This question took me a little longer to answer than the others but I eventually realized that it didn’t matter. The question was: did I love Dexter? And my answer was yes and no. Based on what I understood love to be at the time, yes I did. But in reality no, because my understanding of love has changed.

I was selfish in my relationship. I didn’t love Dexter. I loved what Dexter provided me – emotionally and physically. I had my moments when I put aside my ego, but that wasn’t my natural state. And I’m not saying Dexter wasn’t selfish, because he was. But I can only change me.

Relationships are opportunities – to practice tolerance, sharing, and the absence of ego – which for me are the essence of god. And in my relationship with Dexter, I failed. Probably because I didn’t have god in my life. To me, god is love. For most people, myself included, just mentioning the word god causes discomfort. But replace the word god with love and all of a sudden, it’s a concept people can embrace.

path:
1. A trodden track or way
2. A road, way, or track made for a particular purpose
3. The route or course along which something travels or moves
4. A course of action or conduct

Now while I posed the idea of moving out, it took me several weeks to find a place and do so. And during those weeks, Dexter and I tried to continue having a relationship. We slept in the same bed, we made love. We had dinner and went for runs together. We even started looking at bigger houses, as if our current residence was that which was constricting me.

And one morning, I arose with this overwhelming sense of panic. Pop-not-one-but-two valiums anxiety. The routine and expectation of my life with Dexter was all but strangling me.

I could hear my mother’s voice: You can’t be a little girl forever. I asked myself if she was right: Do I refuse to grow up?

But who doesn’t want to live their life free from constraints and open to a world of possibilities? Rationality told me Dexter was a wonderful man and yet I felt no certainty. Rationality was failing me.

I kept thinking: Dexter feels like home. How do you decide to leave home? I felt lost. I told one of my best friends that it was at this moment in my life that I wished I had religion to draw upon, because the question I was grappling with was not whether or not I should stay with Dexter or whether or not I believed in marriage. It was much more ubiquitous than that.

And that’s when I found the way. Literally The Way.

Using the Wisdom of Kabbalah for Spiritual Transformation and Fulfillment

Closer to the darkness…the closer to God?

 

4jw