fixation:

1. an obsessive preoccupation
2. “stuck in a moment you can’t get out of” – U2

I have been know to fixate on things. Cappuccinos, sex, chocolate, sex, a smoke, sex, Kahlua and milk, sex. After the beach, I became fixated with sleeping with Billy. All I wanted to do was fuck him. All I could think about at work was his hands on my body and his tongue between my thighs. He became my untrodden snow.

Sexual desire has always been my downfall. Billy was tempting. Young and eager and willing to please. I could have acted on my impulses. But what would I have walked away with? A quick fuck. I knew that Billy wasn’t the solution to my problem. He wasn’t the man I needed, and yet I couldn’t stop obsessing over him. I spent hours fantasizing about him.

He would bring me flowers, CDs, coffee, stuffed animals, candy, whatever. I talked to him during the drive into work in the morning and the drive home in the evening. We would chat late at night on IM.

All this time I was conducting a relationship, in the same house, in the same bed, with Dexter. All this time, no one had a clue about Billy. He was my little secret.