Friend with Benefits: someone you know, genuinely like, and will hang out with during daylight (sober) hours but isn’t relationship material so you don’t date but when the moment strikes you right (perhaps you’re drunk and horny and he or she happens to be in your presence ) you hook up, on occasion
Fuck Buddy: someone you hook up with but don’t really know (and don’t care to know well) and call drunk when you realize he or she is your most viable option for sex for the evening OR someone you don’t particularly like but the sex is too good to resist
Boy/Girlfriend Stand-In: someone who is there for you whenever you need a body to go to a movie with, or move a sofa, or bring you soup when you’re sick, but isn’t getting any from you and you know that he or she desperately wants to sleep with you which is why he or she is putting in the effort and the time
The point of this post: my ex (once removed) was each of these at one point (over the course of 6 years).
When we first met at work, we “greatly disliked” each other. He was the gregarious, frat boy who skirted through college on a fluff major (aka marketing) and I was the anal-retentive, Type-A overachiever who would not help him during training, even though he was my partner. Everything changed once I realized that training had absolutely no bearing on my career and he was an amusement ride of fun.
He started out as a Friend with Benefits. That was inevitable since we were housemates and although we didn’t have intercourse while living under the same roof, I slept in his bed on a regular basis. Girls love to do because it makes us feel safe, warm, and fuzzy and guys like to do this in hopes of having sex.
Then he got a girlfriend, and my benefits ended. Which pissed me off (hence me not particularly liking him) so we became Fuck Buddies. This continued after he broke up with his girlfriend but then I got a boyfriend (J).
I broke up with J, and we transitioned from Fuck Buddies to Friends with Benefits. After I realized he wanted more than just sex, I refrained from having sex with him, at which point he became the Boyfriend Stand-in. Enabling a person to be a stand-in in your life is a truly shitty, selfish thing to do. But I loved him (even though true love is a completely unselfish act) and wanted him in my life and so it continued until he told me he thought was should date and pursue a relationship – I remember every detail of the evening that he brought this up and I have a shoddy, borderline Alzheimer-like memory. It was a Sunday night. He showed up at my apartment. He had candles and flowers and music and I before he could even ask, I told him not to, because he wouldn’t like the answer.
Telling someone you love them and want to be with them when you’re not sure if the person feels the same is one of toughest things to do in life. It takes guts to put yourself out there. It’s also tough to hear no, but two weeks later he asked again, and this time I said okay.
When I agreed to go down the rabbit hole, I did so with blind, wish-for-the-best optimism, the kind I assume most people who walk down the aisle embrace. I thought, “Maybe this can work.” On a selfish level, I wasn’t ready to lose him and knew that I would if I said no. I also knew that if the relationship didn’t work out (which meant we didn’t get married and spend the rest of our lives together), there would be no friendship afterward.
In the back of my mind, I always knew it wouldn’t work. After a few months of dating, a little voice crept into my head, telling me the relationship wasn’t right. And the voice got louder and things started happening, like me having panic attacks when we talked about engagement rings and houses or me noticing other guys. And we finally broke up.
When I look back I don’t think, what if we hadn’t of slept together, would he still be in my life? No, we slept together for a reason. We had some of the most amazing, wake-up-the-neighbors, call-the-cops sex. We literally learned how to be great sexual partners, because we had an incredible amount of trust between us. We picked each other up during some tough times in our lives. We were there for each other. But our friendship was also immature and childish, and we did a lot of stupid things together and we finally outgrew “us.”
What I learned is that the Friend with Benefits, the Fuck Buddy, and the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Stand-In are double-edge swords (and illusions). You may think you’re getting something good out of it, but when you fill your life with one thing, you can prevent something that you really want from entering.
July 31, 2007 at 1:36 pm
People mess these categories up all the time. They think that one can’t or won’t lead to the other, or that they are capable of remaining at just one definition when really they aren’t.
It CAN be a great situation. It can also be confusing, maddening, and in the end, painful.
Great insight. People always ask me for my opinion of this and I say “it depends on just about every factor you can name.” This post would be a great place to make someone thinking about it start.
August 1, 2007 at 1:08 am
Hey at least you had sex
August 2, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Hello. I’m new to your blog.
“When you fill your life with one thing, you can prevent something that you really want from entering.”
That’s so true, and I never really thought about it that way. It’s been a while since my last “real,” exclusive relationship, but I’ve had a series of FBs, FWBs and everything in between. I do think they’re possible and they can work without leading to something else or having someone get hurt in the end, but they do perpetuate singledom and, to some degree, isolation.
Good post.
August 8, 2007 at 6:38 pm
Where do you think a “we’re dating” to “let’s be friends and hang out” to “but okay we can hook up” to “ok let’s not hang out” fits into all this?
August 8, 2007 at 7:38 pm
so just hooking up? lol. that’s just hooking up (an FB). and if no hooking, then someone is not interested…
February 12, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I am in a similar situation at the minute, i have tried twice now to say lets just be friends, scared of where it could lead. Just split up from a long term relationship and so my “friend” has been there for me. I tried to break contact completely to him insisting on giving me a lift home from work. Does this mean that he is ok with just being friends or is he hoping something will happen again if he stays friendly with me through this vaulnerable time?
February 12, 2008 at 4:53 pm
My husband tells me that men don’t ever become close friends with women without the intention of having potential physical benefits from the relationship. I protested, but he insists that as a man, he knows what’s up.
He says that casual friendship can exist between men and women, but not on the level of intimate friendships that can exist between two straight women. I asked him about female friendship with gay guys, and he says that the gay guys still m
So maybe he is hoping for something. If you don’t want to risk that, you know what to do. If you do want it, then let it happen.
February 12, 2008 at 6:53 pm
very few men are friends with a woman and don’t want to sleep with her. there’s always an exception to prove the rule but in general, he prob wants more. at least physically.
February 12, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I only make real friends with women I’m not really attracted to or wouldn’t consider dating.
The weird thing is that when I’m crushingly blunt and honest they like it. It’s led to some weird situations. Sometimes, I wonder if women like being insulted as long as there is no malice behind the comments.
February 12, 2008 at 9:11 pm
It’s because women only say nice things to each other’s faces and mean things to each other’s backs. I’ve never found friendship with women comfortable for this reason.
April 17, 2008 at 11:43 am
Hope- that is SO true. Women are and can get quite nasty, can’t they? lol. That’s why about 95% of my friends are guys š
November 11, 2008 at 2:23 am
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February 10, 2009 at 8:49 pm
~Okay, I Got One That I’d Like To Share. I Know This Guy That Went To Church With Me Back When We Were In High School. He Liked Me And I Liked Him But Didn’t Want To Do Anything At The Time Cause I Was The Oldest And He Was Like 4 Years Younger Than Me. We Get Older, I Become Married And He Tells Me That He Still Likes Me And I Still Like Him. But, Yet He Wants A Friends With Benefit Relationship With Me. Which, Happend On July 4th And Again The End Of August. I Haven’t Heard Anything From Him For Like 7 1/2 Months. He Has A Girlfriend Now That He’s Living With But Yet He Text Messages Me And Wants The Friends With Benefits Thing With Me Still. Again, He Still Likes Me And I Still Like Him But I’m Married And He Has A Girlfriend. He Told Me On Occasion That He Wanted A Relationship With Me But He Doesn’t Want To Be A Home Wrecker…Isn’t He Already A Home Wrecker Since We Did Have A Fling With Eachother? What Exactly Should I Do? I’ve Tried Letting Him Go…But, He Doesn’t Want Me Out Of His Life.
May 6, 2009 at 1:23 pm
you are married, let him go why is this even a question, leave your husband or let you f buddy go.
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February 25, 2010 at 10:03 pm
How do i turn him in to my BF is it too late?
March 26, 2010 at 12:52 am
Soo i Have this best friend of mine who we’ve been friend with benefits for over 4 months now but he’s not out and it makes it difficult to do stuff at times cuz it has to be secretive and it feels like im disrespecting myself by putting myself back into the situation of trying to hide….but i told him i have his back …at times it seems we are more than fwb cuz he loves to cuddle all the time & wants to hang 24-7 could he be falling for me???? he is 22 & im 27
but the good thing is we can do stuff & it wont affect our friendship but how do i approach it cuz he never talks about anything & is soo hard to read>>>??
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October 30, 2011 at 2:06 am
My boyfriend of almost three years and I broke up 9 days ago. At first it was going to be a month’s break to see if our issues could be resolved. Then as we talked about these issues I admitted that I had lost myself in our years together. I no longer liked my boring and tired self. He said that it sounded as though I was not ready for a relationship and that is how it ended… But not quite.
When we were talking about a break we had set a date in a month from then to catch up. We would see if things had changed and we could be back together again. When I asked if we should still go on this date he said yes with no pause. And then when I asked what we should do he described a romantic evening. Unsure of where we stood I said that it should not be a romantic evening as we are breaking up. So now we are going to meet for coffee and catch up on how the other is doing.
And here is the kicker: he wants to be able to have benifits form time to time. I said it would depend on how he would approach me. And I asked if we would see other people and he said that if something happens then something happens.
I am wondering is I should consider getting back together or simply let him go. I feel as though I must have one or the other. :S
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May 18, 2017 at 7:19 pm
My girl told me she was having a panic attack four years ago thinking about being in a relationship with me and also that same voice in her spirit getting louder and louder (maybe so we’d at least avoid having kids or something else) but I don’t know where it will end for us and I don’t feel like it will right now although it could soon. I just know we may go grow even more attached. I just want her to know what our relationship is capable of that’s actually lacking in all my relationships platonic or otherwise. Of course that can happen without all the sex and everything else but I’m not sure it will since it might be hard to be just friends anyway. Not going to get into all the details but I thought this was an interesting post anyway. It’s too bad it was written 10 years ago so you may not reply. At least it’s something to think about.
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