fear:

  1. feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger. A state or condition marked by this feeling
  2. a feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish
  3. extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power
  4. a reason for dread or apprehension

Ask me what I am afraid of and I will say…love. Or commitment. What is my greatest fear? Falling in love? Committing to a lifetime of anything? Is love the ultimate commitment? It is the ultimate sacrifice – to place the needs and interests of another human being above your own, the true essence of love.

Where does this fear of love and commitment come from? I can break down the components, analyze them, and reconstruct the Gestault picture of my fear. My mother threatening to leave my father too many times, her warranted need for self-sufficiency and independence, and my failure to ever live up to her expectations. My father’s utter adoration and unconditional love which has served as the benchmark against which I measure most men. The number of times I have been pursued and deceived by men in relationships.

I accept full responsibility for my choices in life. We all enter this world with damage. Our parents’ damages are passed down to us, and their parents’ damages are passed on to them. It is an infinite fractured existence.

My greatest fear is my greatest desire. I seek out love and instantly run away from the possibility only to take comfort in relationships that do not pose a true threat.

I have made a commitment to take on any act that challenges me enough to evoke fear. I am starting to be challenged, if only by a glimmer of the possibility of love. Am I ready to face my fear? Will I have to divorce everything I know of myself to do this? Or is the joke on me? Is everything I fear simply an illusion?

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