Repentance

repent (verb):

1. To feel remorse, contrition, or self-reproach for what one has done or failed to do
2. To feel such regret for past conduct as to change one’s mind regarding it
3. To make a change for the better as a result of remorse or contrition for one’s sins

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First rule of repentance: Have true remorse

Have an understanding that we have done something wrong and we regret having done it

Second rule: Have certainty

Out of true remorse, we gain power to search our hearts until we can say with absolute certainty we will not choose to repeat the act

Third rule: Face the opportunity for negativity again

And make a different choice

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Dear Scorpio:

You don’t respect me. If you did, we wouldn’t be here. You are my superior. You are in a position to advance or derail my career. Right now, you’re derailing it. You knew what you were doing from the very moment you propositioned me to join the team. If you respected me, you would support me in my position, but now I realize that when you propositioned me, you weren’t thinking about me in terms of my professional capabilities. I’m not sure what you want from me. But I know that every move you’ve made is to advance your agenda. The funny thing is, I thought I respected you. But I don’t. Because I don’t respect myself right now. A year ago, I made a list of things I wanted in partner and what I wanted in my life. Here are the lists:

I need my partner to:

• listen
• respect me
• be compassionate and passionate
• have an open mind
• stimulate my intellectual curiosity and challenge me
• find humor in life
• be assertive
• live his life with integrity

I need to:

• Live my life with integrity
• Pursue calm and avoid chaos
• Refrain from getting anxious and reacting to things that are out of my control
• Keep perspective on the things I can influence
• Act with others’ interest in mind
• Seek to help and positively influence others
• Avoid criticism and judgment
• Be diligent
• Avoid laziness and putting things off/inaction
• Keep stock of priorities
• Refrain from seeing boundaries and limitations
• Quiet the ego
• Act with love and compassion
• Question with good intent
• Seek the truth

Right now, I’m failing miserably. The truth is, you are married and integrity is about being honest and there’s nothing honest about any of this. I’m attracted to you and sometimes it consumes me like a massive flame. But that’s just me reacting to and feeding a physical impulse. And when I come home at night, I don’t feel good about any of this. In fact, I get angry with myself. I deserve better. Don’t I deserve better? Obviously, I don’t. If I did, I wouldn’t be in this position.

So in order to get the relationship I want, I have to be everything I seek in a partner. And you are my test to see if I’ve actually changed. I am better than this.

 

Blind

Recently I had dinner with my family – we had finished the main course and cleared the table and were all sitting down for coffee and dessert. I had just come into the dining room with my cup of coffee in hand, about to sit down and relax and enjoy an end to our meal, when my father, seated down at the opposite end of the table, asked, in his sweetest fatherly voice, “Angel Pie, can you get me a cup of coffee?”

I smiled tightly, mildly annoyed (he could have asked before I went and got some), and answered in mocking geniality, “Anything for you, Dad.”

When I returned with his cup of coffee, I sat it down in front of him, but not without making a honey-veiled quip: “You just hate being catered to…”

He thanked me but when I took my seat, he replied, “Yes, and some people forget when their fathers drive an hour down on a Saturday to move their daughter’s bedroom mirror an inch higher, and then ten minutes later drive an hour home because their daughter is too hungover to go to lunch.”

Hmmm, yes, as a matter of fact, I forgot about that.

How many times do I self-righteously criticize and antagonize others for the very things I am guilty of? Ego is seeing our faults in everyone else and not ourself.

 

Firestarter

Dear [Tracy] – Just writing this because I feel like Thursday night/Friday morning made me realize how important our friendship is to me. I was really upset on Thursday, and the stupid boy never crossed my mind once. I was just really upset that I had thought we were such good friends and then you treated me the way you did on Thursday. The reason I was so crushed is because I had total faith in our friendship, and in you, and then I felt that it had been taken away. More than anything I felt really alone because you really are my best friend in DC. That is why, too, that Friday morning meant so much to me. When you came in and apologized first thing Friday morning, I couldn’t even be mad at you anymore. Believe me that is an accomplishment because I am really good at holding a grudge. I find though that I am a lot more forgiving to my true friends than I am others. Anyway, in a really sappy, long-winded way, I am just trying to tell you how much our friendship means to me, and how Friday morning I felt like you really had respect for me, like I do for you. Obviously friends fight so I am sure this won’t be our only one and hopefully they will not they will not always involve long letters. But I do hope that our friendship lasts a long time because it is definitely very valuable to me. Anyway I love you and hope all the best for you. See you in the house!

Love,
Heather

This is a letter I came across recently while sifting through my “memory box.” Several years ago, I was living in a house and one of my housemates was a girl named Heather. She had a crush on this guy she worked with (aka “the stupid boy”). I met the said stupid boy on a Wednesday night at Heather’s work happy hour. He was attractive.

Anyway, when I search back into the cavernous recesses of my mind, I am vaguely aware of that week. Something happened. Something involving a boy. Something involving my FB. My FWB. My best friend for 5 years. The boyfriend I would eventually break up with only to run into the arms of Dexter.

I was mad at him. It involved another girl.

Historically, upon suffering a blow to my precious ego, I’ve reacted by either going out, getting drunk and hooking up – or in extreme cases, destroying things like pictures or gifts. In the worst case, I got engaged. In this case, I went out the following night to the bar I knew the stupid boy would be at, got drunk, and made out with him. Unfortunately, while we were swapping spit, my housemate showed up and witnessed us mid-liplock.

Technically, he was fair game. Just because she had a crush on him didn’t mean he was hers. Men are more lenient in this regard. Women respond to this “friendship violation” much more vociferously.

My question is: out of all the guys I could have made out with, why did I specifically target the stupid boy? Because I’m a petty wench? My answer is: EGO. I hate feeling weak. I like to feel strong. Powerful. But hooking up with your friend’s crush is most definitely not exercising power.

I don’t regard myself as a malicious person. I don’t like to cause other people pain. With this incident, afterwards, I felt horrible. I hung my head down that following morning and walked into Heather’s room with my tail into between my legs and I apologized. Even when the stupid boy subsequently pursued me, sending me notes like the below, I explained why I couldn’t possibly.

Goddess-

Well, hey, happy Valentine’s Day. I mean its just so amazing to be so crazy about someone and to think of them all the time and write in my journal about you and make collages of pictures that I cut out of magazines of women I thought looked like you but that’s impossible because no one compares to you, NO ONE.
I mean, you are so beautiful to me. You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see? You’re everything I hoped for, you’re everything I need. You are so beautiful to me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you. Every single day, every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay, o can’t you see, you belong to me. How my poor heart breaks with every step you take, every move you make, every vow you break, every smile you fake, every claim you stake, I’ll be watching you. Since you’ve gone I’ve been lost without a trace,I dream at night I can only see your face. I look around but it’s you I can’t replace. I feel so cold and I long for your embrace.

I hope that puts into words how I feel about you or at least makes you laugh at what a complete ass I am

Hal’s best friend

P.S. I think we should look for Hal again some time. If he’s not there I guess that would be okay.

Did Heather ever find out that he pursued me? Of course not. Are we still friends today? Nope. Did Heather and the stupid boy ever get together? Yep, they got married. Does this make me virtuous? Not really.

I am a firestarter. When I get hurt, when I get angry, somebody else always seems to suffer. But ultimately I’m the one who suffers, because I don’t like to hurt other people.

Saying you’re sorry is the easy part. Changing the trait that caused the reaction in the first place is the tough part. Which is why I’ve made it my personal mission to kill my ego.

To conquer selfish desires is true power.