testing. is this thing on?

When I’m alone
I dream of the horizon
and words fail;
yes, I know there is no light
in a room where the sun is absent,
if you are not here with me.
At the windows
show everyone my heart
which you set alight;
enclose within me
the light you
encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye.

I’ll go with you
to countries I never
saw and shared with you,
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I’ll go with you
on ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer;
it’s time to say goodbye.

…with you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream of the horizon
and words fail,
and, yes, I know
that you are with me;
you, my moon, are here with me,
my sun, you are here with me
with me, with me, with me.

Time to say goodbye.

I’ll go with you
to countries I never
saw and shared with you,
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I’ll go with you
on ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer,

…with you I shall experience them again.

I’ll go with you
on ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer,
with you I shall experience them again.
I’ll go with you.

You and me.

When my month was over and I moved back into the house I shared with Dexter, we talked – and both agreed when wanted to make our relationship work. That lasted about three days when I realized I wasn’t supposed to be with Dexter. I had outgrown our relationship. And I decided to it was time to move on and move out.

The day I moved out, five of my best friends showed up along with my parents to help me. The wagons literally circled. And since I didn’t have a place to live, a friend who I had known less than a year gave me her condo and moved in with her boyfriend while I looked for a place. Being on my own those first few months wasn’t easy. It was like detox. I slept on the couch for three months just so I could have the feeling of the couch on my back. When you’ve fallen asleep for three years being spooned every night, a bed all to yourself can feel vacuous. Then when my friend and her boyfriend broke up and she needed to move back into the condo, I moved from friend to friend’s house, benefiting from the hospitality of those who generously extended it to me.

I started creating the life I wanted. And I stopped worrying about what anyone else thought. I stopped getting caught up in myself. What I didn’t like about my life I changed. Anytime I got a little down, I found someone who needed my help. I don’t really get down very much anymore.

Nothing in life is free. You have to earn it. And in order to earn, you have to be willing to receive nothing in return. And be content with that. It’s never about you and yet you have all the power.

Every challenge, every hardship has a purpose. It’s impossible to understand anything in the process of change – like trying to get your bearings in the middle of a cyclone. But if you’re constantly embracing change, doing those things that scare the shit out of you or make you uncomfortable, it helps to have faith and knowledge in something greater than you can possibly conceive.

So here’s to the next chapter. It scares the shit out of me.

The day I met you, when I first came onto the project, was the day after I gave back my engagement ring – a thoroughly not fun time in my life. And I thought, “Who is this guy?” – who dresses funny and has a laid-back resolve that seems atypical in city where bravado runs deep. And there you were, able to get in front of a group with such insouciance and speak with the nuance of a maestro or a prophet. You’re almost a walking contradiction. How can you have so much confidence, and yet be so gentle and at times embrace your emotions like you do but then not express them?

Most times you don’t make sense to me – your logic seems to flip mine upside down. But that’s what I love about you. And for some reason, I feel like whatever you need, I need to help.

So thanks for inspiring me. Whenever I fear doing something, I do it – because a while back I made a pack with myself that every time I feel fear, I have to do it. And it started one day back in the lab when you told me “you just gotta get up there and do it.”

In the purest sense of the word love – I love you. I don’t expect anything from you, except for you to be you. Black socks at the gym, and funny hats, and say what you feel when you feel it and not know what a scallop is but know that if you wanted to, you could lead a nation. The sun does shine out of your ass, but I’ll be sure to turn you upside down so it shines on the rest of the world.

PS – Notice it was a “Glorious #1 Bestseller“?

Only one sperm will win the race. The rest will die.

PS – Women are most eager for sex during ovulation and immediately before the “shedding of the lining.”

indulge (verb):

  1. to give free rein to
  2. to take unrestrained pleasure in
  3. to yield to the desire of

When I just need to “get away” for a few days, especially when my life feels chaotic, I find myself in New York.

The script is always the same. I arrive in Manhattan, get in a cab and think, “I love New York. I love the energy of the city. DC is so mundane and ‘blah.’

Next is the path of indulgence: dining at expensive restaurants, consuming alcohol at every meal, shopping that goes hand-in-hand with the act of walking, working out in some high intensity or “nouveau” fashion, getting pampered at the salon/spa, dancing, partaking in various forms of art…anything my heart desires. And by day 3, I’m ready to leave.

New York is so sumptuous. So rich. So consuming. Like sex – especially “casual” sex. The first bite always feels like a little slice of heaven. But by day 3, I’m always ready to go home to the “stillness” of DC. Manhattan, like sex, is a distraction – and when I visit, I want to be distracted. But indulging in both the city and casual sex is not fulfilling. In fact, the path to fulfillment is not moving toward the things I’m most attracted to, but embracing those things which are difficult.

right (adj):

  1. righteous, upright
  2. being in accordance with what is just, good, or proper
  3. conforming to facts or truth
  4. correct
  5. suitable appropriate

Sometimes I hate doing the “right” thing. Sometimes it’s fun to do the not-right thing. In kindergarten, my parents were brought in for an “emergency conference” to address my disciplinary issues. At some point during the day I had decided I wanted ice cream and there was a Baskin Robbins within walking distance of the school. Our teacher had left the room, so I got up and began my journey. Some of the other children asked me where I was going and I told them, so the entire class followed me. Apparently we got cut off in the hallway outside the main office. I don’t remember this. Afterward, my parents explained to me why this was “wrong” but I wasn’t chastised because – hey, it wasn’t my fault the other kids followed me and who doesn’t like ice cream after lunch on a warm afternoon?

The right thing for me to do now is stop my charade with the Scorpio. But it’s so fun:(  He plays the game so well.  He is a mastermind. And powerful. I love the allure of power. And I love to be the favorite.  What Scorpio wants, Scorpio gets and he wants me. Isn’t it nice to be wanted?

How does one discern boundaries without walking up to them? But isn’t that a very reactionary statement? Didn’t I vow to stop creating chaos in my life with this behavior? Doesn’t becoming more enlightened mean not learning via mistakes but recognizing the consequences beforehand?

Next Page »